Showing posts with label Being a father. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Being a father. Show all posts

Tuesday, 19 September 2017

SCENE - DRIVING CELESTE BACK FROM BALLET

SCENE - DRIVING CELESTE BACK FROM BALLET

CELESTE: I love Mummy. She's my best friend.

ME: That's nice. What about Aurora?

CELESTE: She's my best friend too. I love her.

There is a LONG PAUSE.

ME: Is there anyone else you love?

There is another LONG PAUSE.

CELESTE: No. I don't love you because you make jokes all the time.

ME: Ah. Can I love you anyway?

CELESTE: Daddy, I've got thousands of friends. I don't need you.

I start eyeing up the LAYBY as a potential DUMPING GROUND.

They grow up so fast...

Monday, 18 September 2017

SCENE: Very AM, Kitchen, Breakfast

SCENE - Breakfast, very AM:

DADDY is cooking breakfast. AURORA is eating finger foods from her high chair's tray.

AURORA: Uh-oh!

Monday, 26 June 2017

Birthday Stories

For my birthday, Lyn got Celeste to dictate a few stories for me because she'd been endlessly fascinated by all of my typing when I was writing "Aurora" - the collection of short stories I wrote when her little sister was born.

Sunday, 5 February 2017

Toddler Swearing

Because Celeste is a toddler and has no swear words for when she gets annoyed, this week she's been creating her own. Imagine these shouted by a pig-tail framed cross face and you get the idea. Translations required, please.


  • Fatcha-batcha!
  • Fireworks!
  • Fireworks on you! (accompanied by a throwing hand movement)
  • Vasha-wazza-vazza!
  • Scap! (also accompanied by a throwing hand gesture)
It's extremely cute, but laughing at her about it rarely makes the situation any better. I said "No...fireworks on you!" one time as a joke and she started crying. I am not a good parent. I'm not even sure what I was apologising for.


I assumed that it's explicit. I have no idea what any of them mean.

Sunday, 1 January 2017

Alphabet: Part Three

Continuing sabotage of my daughter's efforts to learn the alphabet...


Friday, 30 December 2016

Thursday, 29 December 2016

Wednesday, 14 December 2016

Outbreak: Patient Two

So it turns out that I was fine all along and didn't get sick at all.

Report filed: 14/12/2016 1427 GMT



Patient name: 'M'

Point of infection: House, cuddles with infected

Initial symptoms: Grumpy, sarcastic, tired


Later symptoms: Grumpy, sarcastic, tired, upset stomach


Remedial measure: Dosed with 300ml ultrasweet Earl Grey and self-pity. Awaiting results.


Recommended measures: With only 25% of the household left uninfected, recommend taking off and nuking the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.




Chapman household, Wednesday afternoon. Ha! Who's the hypochondriac now?

Monday, 12 December 2016

Outbreak: Patient One

Report filed: 12/12/2016 2101 GMT



Patient name: 'A'

Point of infection: Household - cuddles with Patient Zero

Initial symptoms: Smiling, wiggling, slight diarrhoea

Later symptoms: Giggling, smiling, wiggling, copious neon diarrhoea

Remedial measure: Dosed with milk and cuddles

Recommended measures: Continue quarantining household, shoot-on-sight policy authorised for escapees, await further developments

Special note: With fifty per cent of the household infected and the washing machine running at capacity, morale is low amongst the uninfected adults. Recommend airdrop of wine and chocolate.




No...I'm not being ridiculous, though a survey of adults in my house revealed that 50% of them thought I was a hypochondriac.

Sunday, 11 December 2016

Outbreak: Patient Zero

Report filed: 11/12/2016 2015 GMT



Patient name: 'C'
Point of infection: Nursery

Initial symptoms: Lethargy, loss of appetite, shambling toddle around the house

Later symptoms: Vomiting, diarrhoea, incessant singing of the 'Do-Re-Mi' sound from the Sound of Music

Remedial measure: Dosed with Fruit Shoots and chocolate buttons, awaiting results of treatment

Recommended measures: Quarantine the household, reassure all civilians about their exposure and imminent symptoms, await further developments


May God have mercy on our souls...

Sunday, 23 October 2016

Found Footage

The following is a true story, pieced together from fragments posted on Facebook, of one man's descent into madness.


Digital History #1

This just cropped up on my Facebook feed from when Celeste was weaning two years ago. Her accuracy with food has improved, but my abilities with adventure games have not.

***
Watching Celeste explore the world reminds me of how bad I am at adventure games on my PC.
Use BISCOTTI on BLANKET - "I don't understand what you want to do"
Use BISCOTTI on FOREHEAD - "That doesn't seem right to me"
Use BISCOTTI on DADDY - "He looks confused"
Use BISCOTTI on NOSTRIL - "It doesn't fit"
After a long while, I work out how to get through the locked prison door and Celeste works out that biscotti go in her mouth.

So do I, man. So do I.

Sunday, 16 October 2016

Eggless Halloween Wiggly Worm Cake Recipe

Okay...I know it's a long way from Halloween yet, but it's an excuse to make disgusting-looking cakes, so...



Friday, 23 September 2016

Speaka da Toddler? Part One

I have, through many hours of research, cracked toddler speak. To many, it sounds like relentless complaints about the temperature of custard or hysteria about the washing of a favourite toy. However, there are basic linguistic rules that can be followed to understand your toddler!

Sunday, 31 July 2016

Out of the Mouths of Babes - Part Two

Scene: MIKE is SINGING because he is HAPPY


CELESTE: Stop it Dad. You're bad at singing. Mum better.

MIKE: Oh. I'm good at dancing though.

CELESTE: No Dad! Mum better

MIKE: I'm pretty good at stories and cuddles, I think.

CELESTE: No Dad!

MIKE: What am I good at then?

There is a LONG, THOUGHTFUL PAUSE

CELESTE: Changing poo nappies. That the only thing. One thing. Need change now.

MIKE is no longer SINGING because he is UNHAPPY


I always get the bum jobs...

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Because I have a brother, I'll always have a fiend (not a typo)

It was my brother's birthday at the weekend - he's turned 30 - so Mum and Dad, with their usual generosity, put on a slap-up feast. For once, there's not much of a story here. Just family sitting around a table, enjoying each other's company and only occasionally descending into rows about Brexit. Rather than forcing jokes about a lovely afternoon, I'll let the pictures do the talking.


It's like looking at me, but with optimism about the future


Food? But look at all the lawn toys! Golf instead! Play now!

Oh...wait. Hummus? What was I saying?

My brother and his lovely fiancee

 Celeste insisting on washing up the cutlery. From a different angle, you could see a quarter moon. Think about it Tom.

Tom's game attempt to light his birthday candles in a stiff cross-breeze

For some strange reason, I didn't think putting a picture of a bare-bummed toddler in the paddling pool on the internet was wise. This will have to suffice.

A lovely afternoon was had by all. I drank enough beer to catastrophically wreck my diet and Lyn kindly drove the three of us home afterwards. Celeste went to bed nicely and I fell gently asleep too, stretched out on the living room floor (I wasn't drunk, I was just really tired - oh hell's bells, who'll believe that?)


Monday, 18 July 2016

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Celeste and I have been indulging in our usual power games over getting dressed in the morning for a while now, but today she used some of my own tricks against me. I'm so proud. And concerned.

Imagine the scene...


ME (pointing at several piles of socks): Right - no fussing about. You have a choice between this pile, this pile or this pile. Which ones do you want to put on?

CELESTE ignores me, snatches up a pair of tights from the sock draw and her trousers from the floor and turns to face me with a stern face, determined to not let me control the morning's sock agenda.

CELESTE: You have choice Daddy: trousers and tights. Which put on me first?

ME: *giggling*

CELESTE: No fussing Daddy!

ME: *giggling hysterically*



Battleground: Footwear

EDIT: Further cheekiness at the Sainsburys Cafe today! When the nice lady comes up with the sauce sachets, Celeste stole them all and put three carefully in front of me.

CELESTE: Here your choices Daddy. No fussing! Pick one now.

Celeste is a strict custodian of the sauces

Friday, 15 July 2016

Red wire or blue wire?

Ah. I think we've hit the terrible twos. In helpful preparation for adolescence, Celeste has started seesawing between her useful joyous, cheeky self and an irritable, tearful sulk. Sample dialogue:

ME: There we go! Hair all brushed up and beautiful. I've got rid of all of the tangles and...

CELESTE: *tearing up* Put them back!

ME: What? I...

CELESTE: *starting to sob* Put back tangles!

ME: What? I can't put back...

CELESTE: *sobbing* My tangles! Put back!

And so on. Although this has made getting ready in the morning a minefield of upset, it has given me a great idea for a book I could write:

Cut the red wire or blue wire? Nope - it's a trick: they're both booby-trapped!


I thought these might be suitable chapter titles:

  • Dinner Time: Give Peas a Chance
  • Bedtime Routines: Brushing a Tooth, the Whole Tooth and Nothing But That Tooth
  • Buridan's Ass: Picking between the red dress and the blue dress
  • Hobson's Choice: Dealing with a broken banana
  • When Negotiations Fail: Duck and Cover

(I guess my sense of humour failure didn't last that long after all!)