SCENE - DRIVING CELESTE BACK FROM BALLET

SCENE - DRIVING CELESTE BACK FROM BALLET

CELESTE: I love Mummy. She's my best friend.

ME: That's nice. What about Aurora?

CELESTE: She's my best friend too. I love her.

There is a LONG PAUSE.

ME: Is there anyone else you love?

There is another LONG PAUSE.

CELESTE: No. I don't love you because you make jokes all the time.

ME: Ah. Can I love you anyway?

CELESTE: Daddy, I've got thousands of friends. I don't need you.

I start eyeing up the LAYBY as a potential DUMPING GROUND.

They grow up so fast...

SCENE: Very AM, Kitchen, Breakfast

SCENE - Breakfast, very AM:

DADDY is cooking breakfast. AURORA is eating finger foods from her high chair's tray.

AURORA: Uh-oh!

The White Crown and the Red Crown

Lessons for Celeste while Lyn is feeding Aurora:

Dead Kings in Ancient Egypt got buried under big stone pyramids.

The Mr Banks RPG

Now that I'm older and I've been forced to watch Mary Poppins more times than I'd like to count, I found I've developed a certain sympathy with Mr Banks, the stern and autocratic father of the story.

Toddler Swearing

Because Celeste is a toddler and has no swear words for when she gets annoyed, this week she's been creating her own. Imagine these shouted by a pig-tail framed cross face and you get the idea. Translations required, please.

• Fatcha-batcha!
• Fireworks!
• Fireworks on you! (accompanied by a throwing hand movement)
• Vasha-wazza-vazza!
• Scap! (also accompanied by a throwing hand gesture)

It's extremely cute, but laughing at her about it rarely makes the situation any better. I said "No...fireworks on you!" one time as a joke and she started crying. I am not a good parent. I'm not even sure what I was apologising for.

I assumed that it's explicit. I have no idea what any of them mean.

The Five Stages of Evening TV Viewing

The Five Stages of Evening TV Viewing:

Alphabet: Part Three

Continuing sabotage of my daughter's efforts to learn the alphabet...

Alphabet: Part Two

My continuing efforts to sabotage Celeste learning the alphabet...

Alphabet

Today, I've been helping Celeste practice her alphabet.

Outbreak: Patient Two

So it turns out that I was fine all along and didn't get sick at all.

Report filed: 14/12/2016 1427 GMT

Patient name: 'M'

Point of infection: House, cuddles with infected

Initial symptoms: Grumpy, sarcastic, tired

Later symptoms: Grumpy, sarcastic, tired, upset stomach

Remedial measure: Dosed with 300ml ultrasweet Earl Grey and self-pity. Awaiting results.

Recommended measures: With only 25% of the household left uninfected, recommend taking off and nuking the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Chapman household, Wednesday afternoon. Ha! Who's the hypochondriac now?

Outbreak: Patient One

Report filed: 12/12/2016 2101 GMT

Patient name: 'A'

Point of infection: Household - cuddles with Patient Zero

Initial symptoms: Smiling, wiggling, slight diarrhoea

Later symptoms: Giggling, smiling, wiggling, copious neon diarrhoea

Remedial measure: Dosed with milk and cuddles

Recommended measures: Continue quarantining household, shoot-on-sight policy authorised for escapees, await further developments

Special note: With fifty per cent of the household infected and the washing machine running at capacity, morale is low amongst the uninfected adults. Recommend airdrop of wine and chocolate.

No...I'm not being ridiculous, though a survey of adults in my house revealed that 50% of them thought I was a hypochondriac.

Outbreak: Patient Zero

Report filed: 11/12/2016 2015 GMT

Patient name: 'C'
Point of infection: Nursery

Initial symptoms: Lethargy, loss of appetite, shambling toddle around the house

Later symptoms: Vomiting, diarrhoea, incessant singing of the 'Do-Re-Mi' sound from the Sound of Music

Remedial measure: Dosed with Fruit Shoots and chocolate buttons, awaiting results of treatment

Recommended measures: Quarantine the household, reassure all civilians about their exposure and imminent symptoms, await further developments

May God have mercy on our souls...

Dictionary Corner

TROJAN WEE (Noun)

Found Footage

The following is a true story, pieced together from fragments posted on Facebook, of one man's descent into madness.

Digital History #1

This just cropped up on my Facebook feed from when Celeste was weaning two years ago. Her accuracy with food has improved, but my abilities with adventure games have not.

***

Watching Celeste explore the world reminds me of how bad I am at adventure games on my PC.

Use BISCOTTI on BLANKET - "I don't understand what you want to do"
Use BISCOTTI on FOREHEAD - "That doesn't seem right to me"
Use BISCOTTI on DADDY - "He looks confused"
Use BISCOTTI on NOSTRIL - "It doesn't fit"

After a long while, I work out how to get through the locked prison door and Celeste works out that biscotti go in her mouth.

So do I, man. So do I.

Copacabana: A Ballad for Aurora

One, two, three...

Hit it!

Do you expect me to talk?

Never, ever trust toddlers with secrets.

Speaka da Toddler? Part One

I have, through many hours of research, cracked toddler speak. To many, it sounds like relentless complaints about the temperature of custard or hysteria about the washing of a favourite toy. However, there are basic linguistic rules that can be followed to understand your toddler!

Out of the Mouths of Babes - Part Two

Scene: MIKE is SINGING because he is HAPPY


CELESTE: Stop it Dad. You're bad at singing. Mum better.

MIKE: Oh. I'm good at dancing though.

CELESTE: No Dad! Mum better

MIKE: I'm pretty good at stories and cuddles, I think.

CELESTE: No Dad!

MIKE: What am I good at then?

There is a LONG, THOUGHTFUL PAUSE

CELESTE: Changing poo nappies. That the only thing. One thing. Need change now.

MIKE is no longer SINGING because he is UNHAPPY

I always get the bum jobs...

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Celeste and I have been indulging in our usual power games over getting dressed in the morning for a while now, but today she used some of my own tricks against me. I'm so proud. And concerned.

Imagine the scene...

ME (pointing at several piles of socks): Right - no fussing about. You have a choice between this pile, this pile or this pile. Which ones do you want to put on?

CELESTE ignores me, snatches up a pair of tights from the sock draw and her trousers from the floor and turns to face me with a stern face, determined to not let me control the morning's sock agenda.

CELESTE: You have choice Daddy: trousers and tights. Which put on me first?

ME: *giggling*

CELESTE: No fussing Daddy!

ME: *giggling hysterically*

Battleground: Footwear

EDIT: Further cheekiness at the Sainsburys Cafe today! When the nice lady comes up with the sauce sachets, Celeste stole them all and put three carefully in front of me.

CELESTE: Here your choices Daddy. No fussing! Pick one now.

Celeste is a strict custodian of the sauces