Friday, 23 September 2016

Speaka da Toddler? Part One

I have, through many hours of research, cracked toddler speak. To many, it sounds like relentless complaints about the temperature of custard or hysteria about the washing of a favourite toy. However, there are basic linguistic rules that can be followed to understand your toddler!

PART ONE: Punctuation

All punctuation must be replaced by the word "Mummy."

For example,

"Mummy, please can I have an ice cream?"


Mummy Mummy Mummy please can I have an ice cream Mummy Mummy

As you can see, this translation loses any hint of being a question and instead becomes a statement of intent.
Ice-cream-related apocalypse in 3...2...1...

When a toddler becomes angry, the translation becomes even trickier.

For example,

"Mummy, why can't I keep this frog as a pet? It's not fair!"


Mummy Mummy Mummy why can-MUMMY!-t I keep this frog as a pet Mummy It-MUMMY!-s not fair Mummy Mummy

Clearly, a phrase familiar to all parents.

But it's Kermit! Why can't we take him home? 3...2...1...

Next time, we'll cover common toddler synonyms...

For example: "Don't do that" becomes "Please do that repeatedly, whilst laughing"

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